KLPD

Some time last year, in line with my predilection for random stints, I found and responded to an advertisement that requested assistance with recording profanities in English and Hindi (among several other languages) for some software. Only after exchanging several emails with the solicitor of said recordings (who was pleased with my voice sample, but requested that I sound less stern) did I inquire as to what manner of software was being developed. It turns out that an iPhone app was in the works, where the user would be able to search through a database of profanities and listen to them in the desired language(s), or play them out at a party.

I gleefully set to recording the almost 200 words and phrases that had been sent over to me. Most of these words were ones that I had heard in Bollywood movies. A few I had overheard from random conversations when I lived in the South Bay. Some I had seen on message boards or strewn across social media, but apparently never actually heard, or at least not registered. One of these words was ever-important "lund," which appeared in 14 entries.

"Broken dick," I proceeded to record in English in a calm and pleasant voice, followed with what I thought was the correct pronunciation of the Roman transliteration of the Hindi translation: "Toota hua loond." "Bummer on erect penis," I recorded, and then "Khade loond pe dhoka." Several other entries followed, including cocksucker ("loond choos"), condom ("loond chhatri"), and dick juice "loond ka ras").

The profanities solicitor got back to me soon after I sent her all of the files, impressed with my speed and organization. "We found some pronunciation errors, though..." she advised, "'Lund' needs to be pronounced as in 'Fund.'"

I am happy that I finally know the correct pronunciation of this very important word. I can only imagine the true KLPD that would result if I were to have a Desi lover on whom I attempted to turn on the heat with talk of "loond."

Education truly comes in the most unlikely places.