A Brutally Honest Dating Profile

I am funny, silly, intelligent, messy, thoughtful, gluttonous, creative, resourceful, giving (though not in bed), reliable, and sometimes totally clueless. I am dreadfully afraid of spiders. I have the eyes, tits, and hips of a Hindu Goddess, and the belly of the Hindu elephant God. I am not a great cook, and I am too lazy to look up recipes, but off the top of my head, I can make burritos, or I could make a decent chana masala, and heat up frozen nan. I also make really good chocolate chip cookies and butterscotch bars, following the recipes on the backs of the chocolate chip or butterscotch chip packets, respectively. I am not great at verbally communicating my feelings. I believe in celebrating any chance I get, and I will spoil you to death as if I'm the chivalrous man of the relationship. But this is only if you are what I'm looking for. What I am looking for is someone who is just like me in terms of reliability and most of the other qualities, except a little less messy, a little better of a cook, a little less clueless, much better of a communicator about feelings (though choosing not to invoke this ability on an unduly frequent basis) and not at all afraid of spiders -- willing to catch them, in fact. Also, your generosity should extend into bed, and I don't want you to have any resemblance to any Hindu God or Goddess other than the eyes.

That, in theory, is how I would describe myself and the type of person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, but wait. Let me back up. What do I really want out of the process of "putting myself out there"? I don't know. Really, I'm not the type of person who would know.

Many a person has observed the parallels between dating and job interviewing in that the other party is sizing one up to gauge compatibility. This process sucks, and working sucks even more.

There are people who know off the bat when they go into a new job what they want to achieve. Some know their lack of intention to stay with the employer beyond a certain x amount of time, while others plan a steady climb up the ladder to the top. While not always necessarily the case, I have found that a person's attitude toward employment often correlates to her attitude toward dating and relationships. I once knew someone who was in an absolutely dysfunctional relationship, and I recommended that she dump the stupid son of a bitch. She said that she planned to in due time, but she could not yet, as she did not have a viable replacement lined up. "It would be like quitting your job without finding another one first," she explained to a nonplussed me.

Me? I am happily self-employed. I like making my own schedule, finding my own clients, and managing my own caseload and the manner in which I communicate with others. There were aspects of traditional employment that I appreciated, but I definitely did not appreciate being subject to idiotic and often arbitrary mandates, or being micromanaged. Nobody should be breathing down my neck unless we are having sex. I have rarely sought out traditional employment, instead looking for short-term odd jobs here and there that could give me exposure to new settings and provide some pocket cash and good stories. Suffice it to say that I have largely approached dating in the same manner: as an "et cetera" sort of exercise. Meanwhile, I have enjoyed being self-employed in that arena as well.

Of course, my family and the more practical people around me (who are rare, since I prefer not to keep the company of such people) remind me that as I age, I will have to bear other considerations in mind. I may be making enough money to survive for now with my current strategy, but if I somehow pop out a child, I will need a lot more, as will I when I become senile. I should think about savings, making wise investments, retirement funds, paying into social security, blah blah blah. I see many people similarly leaving behind their playa ways and settling into steady, committed relationships. I understand that this is something that may be an increasing concern for me over time, and options will become more and more limited over time, so I am now opening myself up to this whole relationship business.

So, hit me with your best shot!